Fear
no more-
It was like; by my action of confronting this energy, that somehow I had
learned to bypass the bad part of the experiences. People I have met from online
groups who have bad SP experiences would ask me how they can overcome the fear
of the experience. I would tell them that they will have to confront it in some
way, similar to how I did. This is such a real experience that the few I have
known over the years who had asked me, could not do it. They understood on a
certain level that I was right and that they should be able to do what I
suggested. But, in the experience, as it happens, they could not get to that
point of knowledge, or acceptance. And, confrontation does not make the experience
stop, and that had seemed to be a goal for them, as it had been for me.
The experiences did not go away. But the
paralysis and loud sounds were mostly gone. And, the more I experienced
this new lack of total fear, the easier the experiences were to deal
with. I even began to look forward to it after a while.
I got curious about it.
I had noticed a sensation occasionally that was
like a part of me seemed to be floating. One time during the experience, I
noticed that I was feeling a bit dizzy, and it felt like my arms were moving. I
concentrated on actually reaching my arm out away from me. It felt like I
had done it, even though, at the same time I was doing this, I was aware that
my arm was not moving at all. I could feel it against me, under the covers, and
I could feel it reaching out. I could almost see it out there where it felt like
it was. I was just getting used to this dual sensation when I felt something
grab at the arm that was reaching out. It was like a handshake, but it
felt like it was holding more than my hand like it would be if you gripped
someone at the wrist. As this started to take hold of my awareness, I
heard a voice calling to others someplace, “Hey, Come over here and look at
this. . . “
I was suddenly aware that there was a small
group around me, and that whoever they were; they were interested in what I had
been attempting to do. I was then aware that the vibrations had changed a
bit. They were smoother than normal, and a bit easier on me. I heard one
of them say “Try more yellow,” and I instantly saw yellow light. The
vibrations were really easy now, and quite strong. I heard a sharp POP in
my head, and then saw a grouping of geometric shapes, all just slowly rotating
in the yellow light, and then it was over. When I opened my eyes, I still
felt a bit dizzy, as I usually did in these times after these early experiences.
These two experiences, the one with the glowing
energy sphere, and this one with the yellow light turned me around in how I
thought of the experiences, and what they might mean to me. Sure, I still
wondered if I was going crazy, but at least it was not so scary anymore, and it
had gotten to the point that it felt quite normal when it happened. How could
this have ever been scary? It felt like it was a very natural state to be
in.
I still had a lot to do to explore this, if that
was my intent. What was it good for anyway? Part of the SP
experiences earlier had included a sensation of flying or floating above the
bed. It occurred to me that I might someday be able to have an experience like
that which I completely controlled, instead of having the fear generated in the
SP actually paralyze me. This had its own new element of fear to overcome
though. In short, it is the ultimate in separation anxiety. I know some
of you think I am overstating the fear part of this because to you, this all
seems just like a dream. And, I am not saying it is not ultimately a dream
or at least a relation to a dream. But, when it is happening to you, it is
the most real thing you can imagine. It almost seems like it is the
essence of reality. Senses seem sharper. The mind seems to be working very
well, for the most part, and you feel totally awake and in the
experience. It feels like you are there in the same sense you feel you are
sitting there reading this right now. It feels so real, you could be doing
it. But how can you be doing what it feels like you are doing? You can not
really be reaching out your arms to beings that no one else can see or hear,
but there they are. You feel them, and you hear them. Maybe if you were better
tuned in to them, you could see them too.
It is hard to separate something that seems so
real, which you experience when you feel you are awake, from what you know is
possible in the real physical world. This sets up a struggle with what you
experience, and how the conscious mind reacts to it. It does not want to
give up its control over your life, and one way to fight to maintain that
control is for it to try to scare you to death so you will stop this nonsense.
You can not be doing this. It is not real. You are going to die. Stop this at
once, I am in control.
I have gone through all of this, and I have seen
it happen to other people who have experienced things that they could not quite
explain. Because I had gone through extensive experiences dealing with my
SP episodes already, I was more open to concluding that it would be possible to
leave my body during one of these experiences. Whether that is what is
going on or not does not really make a difference here. That is what it
feels like, and that is the mindset you have to be in to explore the
experience. It feels that way, and you have to accept that could be
happening, or it will just be a bad dream you want to wake up from.
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